PEARS

are useless.

But I did make a Tarte Tatin with them.

And it was bloody gorgeous.

SOFT SOAP

I saw a survey recently which suggested that women are more likely to be eco friendly, or interested in the eco friendly, than men.

I have a suggestion for all eco concerned ladies.

Stop using cosmetics.

At a stroke you can eliminate swathes of carbon emitting manufacturing processes. Your skin will benefit by not getting clogged up with all the shit you are puttiong on it now. And then you won't have to buy all the gunk to remove the previous slap you stuck on your face. You'll look nicer, more authentic and feel way cleaner. Your skin won't age as quickly (what an idea, that a part of your body could age slower or faster than any other bit) and you will retain in your purses huge amounts of money all of which you can give to the poor and needy or to eco causes.Not only that, your mental health will benefit as you will be moving to a more confident definition of your own aesthetic.

The only downside I can see to this suggestion would be the demise of Body Shop - a noble institution which we all know is saving the planet by a gigantic manufacturing and retail endeavour to sell stuff that no one needs.

There are few things in life which are not cured by a couple of really well made Dry Martinis.

RED ADMIRALS

Should it be a rabble, or a bridge?

Red Admirals.

We've got the full Spithead review of them, sunning themselves in the early autumn sun on the west wall, which, curiously for a weather wall, stays warmest longer.

It took me some time to work out the whys and wherefores of their presence, but a little mowing gave me the answer. The fallen pears, which we find pretty well useless, are their nectar. Down amongst the pear sludge there is a Red Admiral feeding frenzy going on.

My heart lifts as I see them there on the old brickwork.

And my loose intentions to buy a cider press, make perry and find at least some use for the pears, become looser still.

TOO DIFFICULT BOX

I've come all this way and never had one of these. Just recently, though I've got myself one, and can now recommend them for all households.

You'd be amazed in recent weeks how much stuff - people and things - have gone in there.

I can't quite believe how I've managed for so long without this particular mod con.

It's done a super job of tidying up.

And one feels a great sense of relief to be rid of clutter once and for all, or, at the very least till it may once again prove its usefulness.

Suppose you believe in empowering your kids.

They let you down.

Do you:

a) bale them out, step in and take control to keep them safe and out of further trouble?
b) empower them some more to sort things out in the best way they can and learn from it in the process?

I am firmly of the theory b persuasion.

But I may be wrong.....................

REINE CLAUDE

When I was a boy I could never have dreamed that I would have a gage. I now have two in my orchard. Both seem to love it there. If anything, more than other trees I have planted. One is still a junior - no crop yet. The other has just had its first fruit reach readiness. I was almost the first to spot it. But no. The wasps got there first. But today has seen me claim what is rightfully mine and not theirs, the glorious green globes for which any man would feel a surge of desire. I have claimed probably all up nearly five or six sweet kilos - a hell of a haul. Mainly I've turned them into Reine Claude vodka, assisted by large amounts of sugar and a lot of horrid cheap vodka. In twelve months it will be something special. And I deserve it. Those wasps didn't give in without a fight. I was probably stung twenty or so times. And one especially stubborn little bastard embedded himself in the crook of my arm, where he stung me five or six times. I must admit I had to go running to Missus for some HC45 after that episode, and I was shiveriing for an hour. But the crop came in. And now it is in big Kilner jars, maturing nicely. I can't tell you how pleased I am.

PENCIL

HB point: sharp lines.

RIOT ACT

Our Sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons, being assembled, immediately to disperse themselves, and peaceably to depart to their habitations, or to their lawful business, upon the pains contained in the act made in the first year of King George, for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies. God Save the King!

Imagine that!

Get your megaphones.

SNIPPET

Mate: I don't believe in biology.

Me: What about poo?

HEDGE

A COMPLIMENT

"You're Marmite, H. People either love you or hate you. But why? You challenge people to think. Some people will. They love you for it. Some people can't and some people won't. They hate you for it. That's why."