HOW TO BE A DOG

The mini missus came home excited.

"Harry Ward's got a potion that turns him into a dog."

That, I thought, sounds like a line from Tom Waits.

"How does he do it?"

"I'll write it out for you."

Here it is.

Go down and up five loopsin a row. One yoghurt spoonful. Give dog a dress.Have honey. Stik big flower in your mouth. Spit out in fifteen minutes. Have one bite out of a big ruler. Stik a lefe under a boat for 2 minutes and then suk out all of the sea water.
YOU ARE A DOG.
Well done.

So now you know.