A REAL PAIN

What's the worst pain you've ever experienced?
Formerly, I'd have said heartbreak.
The biggest heartbreak in my life saw me resort to a couple of bottles of Rioja and 40 Marlboro a night. I was saved from this undesirable anaesthetic by motorbiking. A bike magazine published a calendar which I put on my kitchen wall. Aware that I was drinking too much, I just began monitoring how many nights I was sober. The answer was none. That was a help. As, gradually, I continued the highlighter pen on the calendar, so matters improved, until, though the pain never went away fully, and truthfully probably still has its tendrils somewhere in my body, Messrs Berry Brothers and Rudd profited less from my distress.
My life hasn't had a lot of pain. I once caught a cricket ball in the bollocks without a guard. That was painful. I've been punched in the face a few times - actually surprisingly not very painful, I broke a thumb on a mainsheet block a long way offshore. The next couple of days I felt a bit sorry for myself. I broke a wrist skiing. That was painful. A couple of years ago I walked out from an estate agent's into the street, clean forgetting that there were two steps down. I broke my arm. Painful.
But yesterday, I was racing mini missus on wet grass, and stumbled, coming down hard on my shoulder. I lay for an hour or so afterwards, whimpering like a kid, sweating and nauseous in a just pre unconscious phase. When I got to A and E, they reckon I haven't even broken anything. I can move my left arm well from the elbow, but even a micron's movement in the shoulder leaves me gasping. The pain is, I estimate, eight times more than a broken bone. My mate Bobski reckons I've been short changed without an x ray, though the medic seemed very certain, not to mention incomprehensible in the anatomy lesson she gave me about the various muscle groups surrounding the shoulder.
We'll see what a diet of nurofen sandwiches can achieve over the next few days.
Watch this space.