If you say the word "lawyer" repeatedly it ends up sounding like "liar".

Interesting.

PATER NOSTER

Our father which art in Heaven,
Are we nearly there yet?
Can I have an ice cream?
Stop. I want a wee wee.

I am thinking of the self as a filter - literally a gauze, through which the bliss of reality passes. The thicker the gauze, the tighter the definition of self, the more rigid the persona, the less bliss can flow through.

A WEEKEND IN BULLETS

• Fresh new plaster
• Bianchi and Bassi - two Italians on British roads
• Gout cures
• Chablis
• Tony Takitami
• Celtic Forest 2
• Broad bean, chorizo, chicken and crouton salad
• The meaning of mourning
• Silent as I choke back my own generosity
• A debate about the definition of sanity
• My tractor - peace at 100 decibels
• Contessa Maria?
• Noticing the plum trees, full
• The rellies in Sudan
• I negotiate the ultimate childcare deal
• "Ok then, how's this: you buy me a boat and I'll have a baby."
• Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang - a delight in every scene
• Dear Lord and Father of mankind, forgive our foolish ways

There will come a day when all there is to do is die.
That moment will be bliss - free of all anxiety.
There may come a day when that state, alive, is reached.
Then all there will be is to live, immersed in bliss.

It seems to me to be that a common feature of the least happy people I know is that they most believe that happiness is circumstantial.
And a common feature of the happier people I know is that they most believe it to be their own decision, skill or responsibility.

If your friend chucks up over your lawn, have you overdone the mine host bit?

TICK LIST

Scrap ID cards - tick.
Have a referendum on the voting system - tick.
Review detention without trial - tick.
Tackle the abject budget deficit left by the last lot - tick.
Vote yourself a pay decrease - tick.
Decrease the number of MP's - tick.
Review needless legislation to get rid of it - tick.
Get active public engagement in the above - tick.
Make efforts to regain participation in democracy - big tick.
Cut red tape to business - tick.
Fixed term parliaments - tick.
Reduce scale, cost and reach of government - tick.
Cap non EU immigration - tick.
A full and radical review of policing for the twenty first century - tick.
And others - tick, tick.

There's a lot to like about our new government. So much, in fact, that my default position of deep grousing and cynicism has shifted to feeling we're going to be quite well governed thank you.

The journalistic bent at the moment is to play what if games with each new policy announcement. What if this fractures the coalition?

But the really big game is the opposite. What if the coalition works? Because then I don't want the old parties back. I want the coalition and the combination of humanity and toughness it brings. And I don't just want it to remedy the profligacy of the last lot. I want its common sense ongoing.

THE END OF THE AFFAIR

I'm not much of a praying man. But I did find myself praying for someone this week - a certain Mr. Raoul Moat. Like most of the nation, I followed his man hunt with some interest, and a childish glee that Mr. Plod was being evaded for so long. At the end, he was cornered on the banks of the river Coquet, having popped up undetected at the very epicentre of Mr. Plod's search area. It was at the point of the stand off that I left the story and headed for bed, and my equally child like act of prayer - God bless Mummy; God bless Daddy; God bless the poor people hurt by that man Mr. Moat; and God bless poor Mr. Moat. That, and the more worldly mental game of spin the bottle that was going on in my head. The options were shoot and be shot, surrender and be imprisoned, top yourself.
At the end, the pathetic spectacle revealed itself as what it truly was - the pained cry of a wounded animal. Eyewitnesses recount that, at the end, Raoul Moat cried out "nobody cares for me".
Sad.
And very sad that the last, infamous acts of his life were based on this dreadful, perhaps well founded, perhaps misplaced conviction.

"I know when I'm not wanted."

Desired response: "No, no. You're welcome."

Actual response: "That's a good skill to have in life."

TOWING THE PARTY LINE

I don't like parties. I hate the small talk. I hate the falseness. And I hate myself at parties for tolerating what I should not tolerate in "meeting new people" - something which fills me with dread when the people are abject bores. I rarely go to parties. But just occasionally there has to be an exception. My daughter's birthday party, for example. And saturday night was one too, a very generous party thrown by a grateful friend and client of her indoors, at which her indoors was a guest of honour. I couldn't not go. And it was a very classy event, and an extremely generous act by the hosts. In no way do I want to be curmudgeonly about their generosity or grace.
But as usual it left me wondering - is it the people there, the inescapable nature of the event or is it me that's the problem?
A good friend of mine who is notably and admirably intolerant of bores has a rule. Ask someone six questions. If in that time they have not asked you a single question in return, you are dealing with an arsehole. Walk away.
Good advice indeed.

BACK TO THE FUTURE

ME: How are you doing?

COACHEE: Not brilliant.

ME: How so?

COACHEE: It's that I wanted to see you about. My confidence seems to have taken a big knock, and it's showing at work. I'm worried that my boss is losing confidence in me, and my recent results haven't been great. I wouldn't say he's warning me, but the atmosphere is frosty between us, and he's getting impatient.

ME: I see. When did all this start?

COACHEE: a few weeks ago now.

ME: and have you any sense what is interrupting your flow of confidence?

COACHEE: well, the medical thing hasn't helped.

ME: medical thing?

COACHEE: yes, but I don't suppose it's relevant here.

ME: No? What is it?

COACHEE: Well I've been told I may well have cancer of the spine.

ME: Wow. That sounds pretty serious. Tell me about it.

COACHEE: I've had terrible back ache for some time now and it got so bad that I went to see the doctor. I was popping painkillers like they were going out of fashion, so in the end I went to the GP. He examined me and said he thinks it might be cancer of the spine. Since then, I've been going for all sorts of tests - quite uncomfortable and obviously worrying - but they can't seem to find what's wrong.

ME:I see. When did all this start?

COACHEE: the back pain?

ME: Yes.

COACHEE: About four months ago.

ME: .... and what was happening in your life at that time?

COACHEE: Nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary anyway.

ME: Nothing?

COACHEE: Well, we were moving house of course. And I'd just learned the wife is expecting again. And my Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer, so she's been pretty needy. And my Dad wasn't well either, thinking about it. And my son was ill too for a while; we were quite worried about him. Actually it must just have been about the time when my wife lost her job too, though she's got another one now, thank goodness. And my other lad had just got into a bit of bother with the police. he was lucky to escape prosecution. Oh, and of course I'd changed my job role too - taken on these other areas of responsibility as you know.

ME: So nothing, eh?

COACHEE: Ha! I see what you mean. Quite a bit really.

ME: Anything else?

COACHEE: No I don't think so, apart from I got the new car then.

ME: That's your new sports car is it?

COACHEE: Yeah. Great car.

ME: Have you noticed that almost all the factors that you've described require you to be the support, rather than be supported?

COACHEE: I guess you're right.

ME: And even the most basic of holistic diagnoses would tend to associate lack of support as problems in the back.

COACHEE: Ah.

ME: How many miles do you drive?

COACHEE: About 40,000 a year.

ME: I used to have the same sort of sports car as yours.

COACHEE: Great aren't they?

ME: Yes. But they're ruddy hard - on the back.

COACHEE: Mmmmm.

ME: Show me exactly where your back pain is. (He does) You'll forgive me I hope for saying this, but the site of your pain is about eight inches to one side of your spine. I'm no doctor, but it's a bit difficult to see how that could be spinal cancer?

COACHEE: now I think about it, that's right!

ME: Look, again, I'm no expert in back problems, but I used to get them regularly when I drove a sports car big mileages. I'd be prepared to bet you a tenner that if you use a different car - your wife's for example, for a fortnight, you'll have no more back problem.

COACHEE: You're on.


By telephone a couple of weeks later:

ME: How are you?

COACHEE: Owing you a tenner it seems.

ME: Back sorted?

COACHEE: Yes, and the relief of that seems to have sorted the work issues too. My boss is saying now how well I'm doing. Oh, and I've changed my GP.