HOW TO TELL A PROPER CYCLIST

This post is unusually barbed.
A proper cyclist:

• holds a line
• moves legs not upper body
• knows how to hold a wheel
• and lead another on his wheel (see first point above)
• has a rudimentary awareness of wind direction (see foregoing points)
• has a clean drivetrain, emitting little noise
• is intolerant of mechanical squeaks, grinding and grating. Fixes them.
• knows that gears are for changing
• knows that junction etiquette is more than simply keeling over sideways
• does not suddenly brake at the sight of a corner
• appreciates that having been provided with a twenty speed bike there is little point in using only one gear
• prefers riding on the road, as opposed to in the ruts beside it
• does not make erratic changes of direction
• enjoys the upright position rather than diving into the path of oncoming vehicles
• refrains from unseemly shouts of "6!" and "7!" when passing young ladies
• does not tinker with things they know nothing about (e.g. complex derraileurs)
• is amusing at all times

Companions take note.