STERN PARENT

Mainly I see my job as a parent as not to intervene.

Kids fall out and scrap. Do nothing and they invariably sort it out themselves. I'd draw the line at impending physical injury, but it amazes me just what a low threshold for intervention other parents have.

Likewise, responsibility for things like learning, homework (why do we have it anyway?), organising kit for school, decisions, choices et cetera. Leave it to the kid, and you will be surprised at what they can handle.

To me, this approach most breeds not only independence, but skills, and dignity. I hope that, in the main, my kids have felt from me a supporting hand on their shoulder, rather than a directive pointing finger.

Is it just laziness on my part? I confess that the rights and wrongs of playground disagreements leave me less than enthralled. But there is another awareness at play too. It is that so often, through my life, where I have met people with mental health issues, the aberrant thought processes stem from the effects of a controlling parent's voice, often keenly felt even from a distance of many years away. A source of deep, primal pain. I include myself in the victims of this.

When I see high levels of parental control taking place, I find myself wondering whose needs are being met. The child's? Or the parent's?

When I do intervene, I invariably regret it.