Health and Efficiency magazines were an important part of my
upbringing. The magazines were wholesome organs of the naturist tendency. But
to mucky minded boys in 1970’s Britain, they were the nearest obtainable thing
to hard core porn.
Of course, no reputable newsagent would sell them to 11 year
olds, and so they had to be stolen. The way of doing this was to find the
Beezer comic, which was notable as the only broadsheet comic available at the
time. Then, by hook or by crook, you got yourself up to the top shelf and
filched down an H&E. You put it inside the Beezer, paid for the comic, and
left. It is surprising that you ever got away with it. The deep crimson blushes
must surely have been what any poker player would recognise as a “tell”, but
somehow amongst my circle there was always an availability of Health and
Efficiencies for private enjoyment.
The pages contained black and white and sometimes even
colour pictures of naked people enjoying volleyball, and on swings. The swings
pictures were especially valued, as sometimes, with complex origami, the pages
could be reformed, so that the naked man and the naked woman swung together,
then away from each other. You could speed up this movement into a blur of
swings and buttocks.
This is what is known as education. Without Health and
Efficiency, God only knows what might have become of me.
I have fathered three children. It’s all down to health and
efficiency.
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